|Walking Z Acres with Guinnez, early morning of 3.23.13|
I woke early. Very early, considering that I no longer use an alarm clock and haven't for many months. I sleep until I have slept enough, and that is just one of the many joys of living here, at Z Acres, a 10-acre century-old farm in southwest Michigan. I woke with the first thought in my mind being that this was my anniversary.
No, not wedding anniversary. Those belong in my previous life, and I have to say that back in that previous life, I was never so moved, nearly overwhelmed, by the meaning of the day. It is my first anniversary since moving to Z Acres, and my heart is swimming in gratitude, rich with blessings.
Z Word, LLC, from home, setting my own hours. But I am up, and I walk to the far end of my bedroom to look out the window overlooking the back acreage of the farm.
Dark, with only the palest of light from a hidden moon throwing gray shadows over the thin patches of snow. The trees are bare, black limbs fingering sky, and across the back yard, snug up against the great willows, is the tool shed. Beyond that, five more acres that reach to a distant tree line, marked by a row of pines to north and south.
Whatever the light source, it seemed my first miracle of the day, a greeting, a blessing, and I accepted it. I considered going back to those warm pillows and blankets, but decided against it ... it is March 23, after all, one year exactly since I moved in here and claimed it as mine, and I wanted to enjoy the full day.
Not this time. The moment I headed in the direction of my boots and jacket, hanging on a hook, Guinnez knew. He's developed an interesting habit since we moved here, I've noticed. The moment he sees that I am going for my jacket, getting ready to go outside, he immediately starts to eat from his bowl, near ravenously, almost as if in preparation for the physical exertion, building up his fuel resources. Makes me laugh. Not like we are going to be climbing mountains, but sure, it can be a long walk if we choose it to be.
We choose it to be. Today, I want to touch on all our favorite places. It's a frequent route, and by now, Guinnez knows it well. We head out front first, to the east, circling the pond. It's still frozen over, although the ice is slowly thinning, and I can hear the soft tinkle of water overflowing from the creek to the south, emptying into the pond, then emptying again on the north side, and down a small hill on the opposite side, to wind into a field to the north of us.
For a moment, I stand still and find myself raising my hands, palms up, whispering thanks. Thank you. Thank You. For this blessing, for this place, this Home at long last, where I have felt myself rooted from the moment I first stepped on this, to me, hallowed ground. All my life, I had searched for Home, moving again and again and again, eventually listing more than 30 addresses yet none such that I could have truly embraced them as more than temporary shelter. Even the last place, where I spent a surprising 16 years, I had always had the thought of leaving in the back of my mind. No more.
Life had tossed me about long enough. In people and in places, coming and going, and I had longed for the place that could hold me. Z Acres embraced me. Now I stood here, in front of my little red farmhouse, surrounded by woods and fields, and raised my face to the paling morning sky. I couldn't say it enough, and my eyes misted over as I did: thank you.
Hard to describe, especially to those who have known a sense of belonging all their lives. Perhaps something to do with being bi-cultural, straddling two countries, two languages, two distinct styles of living. Perhaps even more with a life that had been in constant flux, change and more change the order of the common day.
My heart warmed here, and opened, soft again. Shells fell away, hardened coats of armor. I walked the grounds and thought about the year behind me, the experience of living here. Change here was constant, too, but it was the transitions of nature, and each change brought renewed wonder and beauty. I considered the wooden stairs on the hillside, south of the farmhouse, leading from the driveway to the house. I had gone up and down those stairs a hundred times, bringing boxes of belongings from my previous house. I had thought I would still go back to the house before to sleep that night, waiting for friends to help me move the bigger pieces of furniture, but no. Once I had the key in my hand, I never wanted to leave again.
That first night of March 23, 2012, I slept like a child in her mother's arms. Odd, as whenever I had previously slept in a new place, I would wake in the night, blink in momentary confusion ... where am I? what is this place? ... yet here, I slept long and deep, and in the morning when I first opened my eyes on March 24, I knew right away where I was. Where I belong.
Such is the power of Home.
This morning, the birds are all singing so loudly that I smile. It's downright noisy. I hear the sand cranes in their prehistoric rattle, I hear the crows cackling away in the tree tops, I hear chickadees and cardinals and nuthatches and juncos. I hear geese pass overhead, calling out to each other as they return for the summer ahead. I hear woodpeckers tapping in the woods, an even rhythm. I've learned to recognize some of them over the year, but I have many yet to learn to recognize. I love the learning ...
Over the year, I have shared Z Acres with countless animals and birds: deer, herds as large as two dozen passing through; red fox; packs of coyotes; rabbits and hares; turtles and fish in the pond; wild turkeys; red-tailed hawks; woodchucks and squirrels and chipmunks; owls and bats passing over in silence. They are not visitors. We are a community here, sharing the land.
I recall my first spring, delighted to see daffodils and narcissus and lilies and snowdrops blossom not just around the red farmhouse, but dotting the hillside and popping up throughout the woods. Primroses blossomed golden along the creek, and then came the peonies, bleeding heart, hydrangea and irises. Gardeners have lived here before me, and each has left his and her mark.
I watched the ice on the pond thin and finally melt away, and as the water warmed, suddenly, one morning, the pond swarmed with bright red and orange koi fish, and bullfrogs sang in chorus all along the edges. When storms approached in the distance, the frogs let me know, singing in the storm, then quieting all as one, instantly and as if on cue, then singing once again as the storm passed.
With the beginning of summer, water lilies bloomed on the pond, and a new wave of color spread across the gardens. I have yet to learn to name them all, all those many flowers bringing a rainbow of color. Summer revealed how lush this place could be, even in drought. Where I had been able to see the distant horizon in winter and spring, now the trees tucked me in with their leafy green cover. I had my own Garden of Eden. I became accustomed to wandering outside in the morning sunshine with my coffee cup, still in my nightgown, invisible to the world beyond.
I planted my first garden, and all summer enjoyed the fruits of my labors. I ate sun-warmed tomatoes, a dozen heirloom varieties, and fresh herbs, squash, zucchini, green peppers and beans, cabbages and leafy greens. I made jams from the raspberries and blackberries growing in profusion along the perimeters of my borders.
In the fall, Z Acres blazed with color. Maples turned red and gold. Changing light became translucent shades of lavender. The heat of a long summer cooled, and the cool air was welcome, as I sat on the deck, tossing the occasional log into the fire pit, watching the sun dip toward the horizon, and every sunset unique.
The first snowfall was long, too long in coming, and a first Christmas passed without my longed for white fantasy. At last, end of January, the snows came, and they came again and again. On that first snow, I laughed like a child, filled with joy, and ran out into the snow in late evening to dance and fall into the snow and make snow angels. Guinnez pondered my silliness, and soon enough joined in. Every day of fresh snow, he has made his own dog angels in the powder.
I found Z Acres in snow, and now I watch the snow melt away again. The cycle has come full circle, and now, it begins a new orbit. Guinnez and I walk Z Acres this morning and touch on all our favorite spots. We head up into the woods to the Cottage on the Hill, the only place on which I made some changes during the year, hiring a friend to weatherize the little retreat and build on a deck. It's a retreat in my retreat, 200 square feet of rustic space where I can read and write or take an afternoon nap. I've shared it with friends, who come to stay in the Cottage for a day or a weekend, seeking respite from the racing and mad world outside.
The outside ... yes, that's how it feels. Here, I am inside, at the core, layers peeled away to find what has meaning. A new friend, Larry, recently asked me:
Are you familiar with the Spanish word querencia? The word is used by cattlemen to describe a place that a bull will go to find safety and gain strength. Matadors believe that if the bull finds it's querencia in the ring then the bull can not be defeated. To me it seems the definition applies to the way that Z Acres affects you.
That's a new word for me, querencia, but I believe he is right. Here at Z Acres I am safe, I am whole, I am close to my source. Here, I am in church every day, living with the divine all around me, and always aware. And why shouldn't a woman have the strength of a bull? When I tire of the world out there, I return here and am rejuvenated. I can do battle with whatever the world tosses at me. Here, I find the courage to begin again or to begin for the first time, even as I took off on another long-held dream in this past year, to leave behind the corporate world, to cut all the marionette strings, and to take full ownership of my own life. I work from home now, and I suspect in no small part made that decision because I am so reluctant to leave. My creativity is nourished here, and I can work longer and more productive hours, because I have found joy in the work that I do.
All good things ... and I am profoundly aware of all of them as I walk these ten acres today. Over my first year, I planted six trees, pines along one corner of the pond, and to one side of the deck, where I can watch it grow, the first tiny Christmas tree of my daughter and son-in-law, still with it's little red velvet ribbon tied to its top.
So memories grow and accumulate. I plan to add a dozen more trees in this coming year. The back field, where at the edge five beehives buzzed last summer, producing pounds of golden honey, still awaits its purpose, if any. Once it was a cornfield. Last summer, my son mowed pathways that wound through it, tall green grasses and Queen Anne's Lace and alfalfa growing to either side as Guinnez and I would take our daily walks. This summer? I don't know, not yet, what we will do with this bounty ...
What will my second year at Z Acres bring? What new delights and surprises? How will my life unfold here? If there is one overarching lesson I have learned from living here, it is to trust in the process. Let go, let God. Some things I can control, but most things, I cannot. Z Acres has taught me to open my heart again, to all the wonders of a life lived in harmony with my surroundings. A sustainable life, a simple life, a rich life. A life of blessings and gratitude.